It truly is easier for me to tell Natalie what it is that we should be doing in life than to actually do it myself. Isn't that just human nature, we are quick to tell others what they should be doing but can't quite get ourselves to listen to our own advice.
I've realized that lately that's what has been going on in my life. I tell Natalie what Heavenly Father expects of us but I don't quite seem to be able to teach her by example. And lately my life has been so upside down that I have slowly stopped doing what it is that I know I should be doing.
Yesterday we received our monthly Ensign and Friend subscription and we started to read her friend. The first story she picked to read was called A Happy Helper. The beginning scripture read "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power" D&C 123:17. As I explained this scripture to her I couldn't help but feel guilty because here I was telling her what this scripture meant yet I knew in my heart that I needed to understand this more than her. Lately the word "cheerfully" has not existed in my life or vocabulary. I haven't done everything that lieth in my power, and what I have done has definately not been done cheerfully. And yet here I am expecting her to do so.
Then the story goes on to teach about the matter. And through out the story I feel even more guilty because I feel like it has been written especially for me. Like if she had choosen it especially for me.
But the end quote is what truly hit the spot.
"Happiness does not depend on what happens outside of you but on what happnes inside of you; it is measured by the spirit with which you meet the problems of life."
President Harold B. Lee (1899-1973)
How could I even try to teach this to my daughter when I have never practiced this in my life. How can I preach this to her when in the midst of tribulation I always give in to despair and sadness. I wish my life could be an example of this to my children, I wish I could show them that my spirit is strong and ready to meet life's problems with "cheerfullness". But I can't.
Believe me I've tried, well atleast I say I've tried but I guess I haven't truly tried! It's just sad to me that when I thought all was well, when I thought my testimony was growing stronger each day, I thougth I was ready to meet any challenge in life. I truly felt like I knew Heavenly Father was with me and that I knew that there was a solution to any problem thrown at me. I truly felt ready to face anything with a cheerful and hopefull heart. Yet as the storms came at me and have settled I have once again been swept down by it's winds and turbulance. I have once again let the adversary tear me down and make me feel like happiness depends on everything and everyone around me. It frustrates me even more because I have the truth in my life, I know the solution. Yet I'm to weak or lazy or doubtful or ignorant to do what I know I have to do to find peace in my life. Even when my daughter's Friend so plainly reminds me of the truth.
I hope that I can once again find my way out of darkness and sadness and find the light that I know is true. I hope I can remember my worth as a daughter of my Heavenly Father and realize that it's not too late to finally live up to my potential and to live the life that I've always wanted to. But most of all, I pray that I can one day try my best to teach my children by example and not just by word.
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