It's been a while since I last blogged and lots of things have happened. Some good, some bad, and some big changes.
Sometimes I wonder what the purpose of this blog was. I love to write and to be honest with what I write. At first I wanted it to be a journal for me but in a journal I would write personal things and thoughts too. BUT it was also a way to keep friends and family up to date with our family's life so what would be to personal or too much information to share with others? And I don't want to have to write two blogs or have another journal and have to write twice! So what to do? What a dilemma. So I'll have to compromise and write as honest as I can being as discrete as I can at the same time. Does that even make sense? LOL!
First of all we are no longer in our home. We made the decision of moving out of it because of the direction our neighborhood was taking. To my surprise, making this decision wasn't as hard as I thought. I really thought that it would be sad leaving our home. But strangely it wasn't. I haven't felt sad or missed it at all. Is that weird or bad? I wonder. I just felt like it was time to leave. Usually I'm so scared of change, but I think that as I grow and mature I'm beginning to see that as scary as change can be it can be for the best. I'm realizing that change is good. That change is needed to keep progressing in this life. I have to admit that what I am worried about is actually achieving what we have set out to do. Not knowing if our plans will actually be achieved. We can plan all we want but life just gets in the way most of the time. So hopefully I'll be able to navigate through whatever gets thrown at me and be able to achieve my goals.
The move was a long and tiring process done solely by David and Me. If you don't believe how tiring it was just take a look at Jaimito!
And look at our sorry tired faces. You can totally tell we were lacking sleep and were tired as heck!
But David still found time to be his silly old self.
We moved in to my mom's house into a bedroom were we needed to fit our 4 members of our familie's belongings. This is how it started and I was starting to panick.
Unfortunately my camera is acting up so I don't have the picture of the final results. But it was accomplished some how. But we did have to put most of our stuff into storage.
This has been such a learning experience for me. Realizing how blessed I am. Blessed to have a family who even though not perfect is always there to help me, to protect me, to nurture me and my family. My thoughts went out to those who are struggling everywhere and have no family or friends who lend a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. I felt so grateful for everything that I do have and I felt so guilty for being so ungrateful at times.
Also, as we were taking a load of things to the storage facility and were tiredly carrying things in I couldn't help but think about David and I and our journey together. I mean it's always been this way, just the two of us getting into trouble ;). With this move we have move a total of 8 times throught our 9 year marriage and each time we have always moved everything ourselves. I couldn't help but chuckle thinking of all the times we have been up stairs, down stairs, through hard doorways, carrying anything from refrigirators to couches to beds. And if I were to write all of our other adventures we would never finish. But sadly this move has also made question many things about my life and my marriage. I think that this move gave me the courage to look at the big picture and to see that a new phase in my life is starting and I need to revaluate where I'm at and where I want to go. It's sad to see the results of our wrong decisions even long after these decisions have been made. Even after repenting or trying to mend those decisions, we can't excape the consequences. We don't realize how they not only will affect us but our children and future generations. Then you have to decide if you want to live with those consequences and maybe try to change them. Sometimes I wonder if I have too because that's what I get for my bad decisions. But then I think, maybe I don't. Maybe I learned what I had to learn and now it's time to straighten things and make changes. My Dad always told me, "Las cosas que empiesan mal acaban mal o son muy dificiles de enderesar." It resonates in my mind over and over. Do I have the faith, hope, and courage to try to "enderesar las cosas"? Or should I have the courage to make changes as hard as they might seem, or as wrong as they may seem if they maybe give me more hope of finally walking a straighter path with nothing to hold me back or make me trip along my journey through life.
Yet I know that the only one that can help me know what is right is my Heavenly Father. Yet it seems such a hard and wrong thing to ask him. How can I ask him such a thing. But one thing I'm sure is that he is the only one that really does hold us up and keeps us from falling. I usually would be so sad and down, almost depressed by this. I probably would hate myself, my decisions, my situation, I would be wallowing in pity. But I'm not. Yes I'm sad, yes I cry but it's just to let my feelings out. But I feel different. I find myself finally appreciating my life, enjoying the sun, enjoying the blessing of being alive, of having my children. I don't feel like giving up, I don't feel pity for myself, I don't feel like curling up in a ball and forgetting about the world or wanting to ask God "Why me?" I just feel like finally doing something to change my life, to finally feel like I'm truly living the gospel and finally living to my potential and finally living the life that I always wanted to and knew I could. I'm realistic though, it's hard. It's very hard to change a negative way of thinking and being. But I have hope and faith in my Heavenly Father that he will stand by me. And everyday I have the power of repenting for my short comings but be able to have the blessing of waking up the next day ready to try even harder to live a Christ like life.
Living here at home again is also a challenge that at first brought me down. My relationship with my mother and my sisters have never been the best. Don't get me wrong, we love eachother and I had a great and blessed life but it wasn't perfect by any means. It has always been a rough road with them, especially my mom. But I finally accepted that I have to accept my responsibility in what is wrong and to just let go of the rest. It's like I freed myself. It's still hard and there are many things that I struggle with them, but now I try to see it as a challenge or a way to progress and grow myself. To learn and develop my talents to be patient, forgiving, and
loving. Talents that I lack but always wanted to have.
I know all this may sound like I have everything down packed or in order or like I have a perfect plan. I don't, I'm no where near where I want to be. But this is the wish that I have in my heart for myself. This is the person that I want to become. I just needed to let it out and see for myself that I am a daughter of God and that I have potential to be the person that I always wanted to be.
And I hope that when I grow up I can be half the person that my friend Tami is. She's my perfect example of what a daughter of Heavenly Father should be and how living the gospel can truly give you happiness in this life with your family. She taught me the importance of being a good example. By her just being a good example even a lost and stubborn person like me can once again find the light! I love you Tami.
Yesterday I went with Jaimito and my Sister Claudia and her two youngest daughters to a fieldtrip to an apple orchard. Oh my goodness, it was like Fall paradise for me. Even the ride there which was rather long was so pleasent. The scenary was so beautiful. There was a rainbow of trees everywhere and fields of green grass. It literally made me smile. It just put me in such a good mood, it made me feel so good. I couldn't help but feel so blessed that I had eyes to see all of this beauty. It made me feel so positive, upbeat, and just happy to be alive. I couldn't describe what I was feeling but it was just what I needed. Then when we got to the place it was so cute and you couldn't get any more Autumn than that. The farm, the hay ride, the apple orchard, the farm animals! I felt I was in paradise, especially seeing Jaimito just run wild through the leaf covered ground. 
I'm going to try to enjoy every last minute of this beautiful Autumn weather before it gets too cold. Before all the colors of the leaves go away and fall to the ground. Now whenever I feel down or sad I'll remember those spectacular views of what Heavenly Father has blessed us with. 
